my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
