the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
