I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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