Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
