you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
