dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
What did we do last night that was yellow?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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