i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
