I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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