I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
