does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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