What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
