My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
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well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
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I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize