Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
