i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
