Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
pray to the hookup gods
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
