i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
