Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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