I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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