I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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