There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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