I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
