Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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