I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
