census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
