Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
