Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
