I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
