so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
