Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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