Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
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She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
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Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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