so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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