The maid of honor just puked.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
