i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
