Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
