since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
