I'm eating all of the evidence.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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