I wish I could teleport
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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