The maid of honor just puked.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
