I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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