She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
