so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
