Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
