I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
