Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
