Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
