i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
