this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
