If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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