Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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