walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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