Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
