1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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