No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
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I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
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I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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