Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize