She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
