I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
