life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
